here i am, blogging while i should be doing work, and basically trying to get some of my thoughts down before i bury myself in a sea of homework.
been going through bottles, yes, bottles of coffee for 2 days straight. eveyln says its bad for my health but i think i will risk it.
i look at the horrible horrible amount of homework that is mounting up and i have this uncontrollable urge to scream and shout off some profanities, but due to the medium this is going to be published, i think i will try to rein in my hatred towards that growing mountain of ...
been a loner has usual, i do not understand why, but i seem to have this problem of working in a group... its like so much more efficient to work alone... haha. it may just be me, but heck.
time management. so ....
so much to do, so much demanded. yet i am one lone soldier.
i wish i could split myself into a thousand pieces. one here one there. there is bound to be enough. then perhaps, and only perhaps. the real me will get a chance to rest...
-ashhao
recorded on 7/31/2006 08:40:00 PM
2006/07/30
confused. tired. just wanna rest.
so much to do. so much asked of me. yet no time to do.
council. drama. project work.
council. furniture need to be purchased. ikea is having its annual clearance sale. dunno if need to reconsider some other furniture. blueprint yet to give to wilson yet.
drama. chitra loves to call me down for last minute stuff. narrator turned guard. ouch. performing in less than a week. double ouche.
project work. hellhole. i do not know where the heck i can even attempt to start.
assignments + essays..
dead
recorded on 7/30/2006 09:44:00 PM
2006/07/27
guess i am no atwood yet, and can't write in such a dystopic manner as good as her lol.
the 3 previous posts were my lame and pathetic attempt to emulate her writing, in order to get into the spirit of things with the indepth studies we are going to do with the handmaid's tale..
in a way, if anyone has enough time and energy to examine it, it does reflect the state of mind i had been in for the past week. confused, and half-crazed.
i lost my target for awhile back then. i think i have relocated it.
hahaha
PW is moving on, however slowly. Thank you, my group mates, for not giving up hope on such a useless leader. Lol.
I guess there is always something to look up to, something that we can all strive towards, that beacon that makes us a better person.
reverse death, and you shall get life. reverse desperation, and you shall get hope.
reverse all the negative things in your life, and they shall become all positive. reverse all the bad, and leave the good.
for all that escaped from that pandora's box, we must remember that one stayed one. hope.
and in hope, we trust...
--ashhao
recorded on 7/27/2006 09:23:00 PM
2006/07/24
"Crawling Back To You"
Everybody knows that I was such a fool to ever let go of you Baby I was wrong Yeah I know I said we'd be better off alone It was time that we moved on I know I broke your heart, I didn't mean to break your heart But baby here I am
Banging on your front door My pride spilled on the floor My hands and knees are bruised and I'm crawling back to you Begging for a second chance Are you gonna let me in? I was running from the truth and now I'm crawling back to you
I know you're in there and you can make me wait But I'm not gonna wait It's the least that I can do, just to tell you face to face I was lying to myself, now I'm dying in this hell Girl I know you're mad, I can't blame you for being mad But baby here I am
Banging on your front door My pride spilled on the floor My hands and knees are bruised and now I'm crawling back to you Begging for a second chance Are you gonna let me in? I was running from the truth and now I'm crawling back to you
If you could see these tears I'm crying Touch these hands that can't stop shaking Hear my heart that's barely beating You will see a different man
But baby here I am Banging on your front door My pride spilled on the floor My hands and knees are bruised and I'm crawling back to you (come on) Begging for a second chance Are you gonna let me in? (let me in) I was running from the truth, now I'm crawling back to you
Banging on your front door (darling) My pride spilled on the floor I was running from the truth, now I'm crawling back to you, yeah Now I'm crawling back to you Crawling back to you Crawling back to you Crawling back to you
god knows if i have the ability to ask you for this chance. dare i even say it?
a tough price i paid. a few precious lessons learnt.
thank you, sincerely, for killing that child inside me.
its time i know, to move on.
thank you for the lessons.
recorded on 7/24/2006 07:59:00 PM
2006/07/23
crap and shit. that's what i feel like now. i am sick and tired of trying, again, and again. am i like that?
i need to be felt important. that's why i do things. that's why i try to be hardworking. to be noticed. if whatever i was doing had nothing, but to build a wall around me, i must have made a huge mistake.
honor by merit. respect earned.
that was what i was thinking.
and that is what i will always believe in. self-esteem. lost it since secondary 3. still cant seem to regain it even till now. i had no pride, i had no nothing. all i had was the fury of my emotions, and i guess it ate me up. i used to hurt myself. i think i am suffering from depression.
innova brought me back hope, and the courage to face everything again. i tried to reach out, but was shut back in once more. i tried again. but was shut in.
every failure was like a nail inside my coffin.
if if if.
if only anyone can know me. pessimistic. overshadowed by my peers, despised by my juniors. struggling to float, but not working at all.
i thought i had come to shore, but i was never more wrong
all the effort i tried to spent in the 7 months, was not swimming towards land. i was only swimming to a mirage. a mirage that i thought was real
one that i had faith in..
one mistake was all that it took to end it all. one
one.
sounds familliar doesn't it.
it has always been one, one alone. alone walking alone. i walk alone.
oneself. walking in the shadows.
i try to emerge from it. try tried so hard.
but everytime i try, i fall back in. people think i am trying to bluff, to lie...
maybe i have been lying to myself all this while. maybe it was all a dream. maybe when i wake up it is everything back when it was 2 years ago.
have i decieved myself into believing that i was actually wanted? have i?
ahh the wrench, the pain. the thought of death now sounds palusible once more...
yes i know you are fragile. you are hurt by the rage of my emotions. its always the emotions that hurt isn;t it. emotions can kill, emotions can scar. yes i know your pain. the efforts you took. maybe it was more than mine. maybe it was what you thought was more. one slip of tongue, one lost of control and its over.
thanks for not giving me that chance. i really appreciate it. thanks for sealing in that final nail in the coffin that ends it all.
death looks comforting now. being unable to think anymore. no more feelings. i cant hurt anyone nor hurt myself no more.
one quick stroke.
they say we judge people by effort. they say we judge people by who they are.
but all these are just a lie. one mistake, one imperfection and you are lost, gone forever. and ever.
striked off the list. one mistake i made. i paid dearly for that mistake. dearly. for i paid it with something that can never be counted. a friendship. a heavy price tag for an equally expensive lesson.
they say that looking back helps you to move on. but after hearing what you said, i dun think i can move on anymore.
no more.
there's a child in everyone, a pure being. yet with every shot of reality, that child is slowly killed.
thank you for killing that child. that finally bullet that pierced the heart.
i have hurt you. but you have killed me.
the child no longer needs to cry. it just lies there, stiff, dead.
no more tears, no more feelings, just the cold hard floor....
recorded on 7/23/2006 08:15:00 PM
for every soldier that died in a war, there is a beautiful side to him. brave, patriotic, loyal to the country till he died .
but yet,
that same soldier that died. had another side of him the side that was destructive, dangerous, and unforgiving.
we all exist in 2 forms. one dangerous, one sensitive. black and white.
yet in those 2 colours, they each lie a spot of white and black. yin-yang.
balance. equlibrium.
there cannot be supreme kindness, nor utter evil.
man is weak because he has emotions. an attribute associated with only women. its a shame that the people that did the association, failed to see that they themselves, men, do have emotions too.
we are not made of steel, despite the fact that many of us would like to think we are. neither are we immortals, freed of all emotions.
its hard to say sorry, to apologize for everything. without it all coming out sounding hypocritical.
hahaha... hahaha... haha......
*breaks*
--ashhao
recorded on 7/23/2006 11:32:00 AM
2006/07/22
the one thing that i always lectured on, i cant imagine i forgot about the importance of it.
now that the damage has been done, i can only sit there and cry. looking at the spilled pail of water, i tried so hard to pick up the water.
i tried, but failed. i have done a damage so irreversible.
sorry to hurt your heart. sorry to having lied to you. sorry to saying things that i don't mean.
it all sounds so 'fake' , doesn't it. coming from a liar.
but
please give me back the trust that is lost, for one more time....
--ashhao
recorded on 7/22/2006 06:27:00 PM
2006/07/18
one million and one things to do.
time given: 24 hrs.
so little time so much to accomplish
too fast too furious
recorded on 7/18/2006 09:20:00 PM
2006/07/17
what do i want really?
i have asked myself this question again and again. everytime there is no real answer to that question. everytime, according to the situation there will be different wants and needs. unlike animals. no matter the time, the place, the situation, their needs will remain the same. food, shelter and survival.
we have advanced past that stage.
is that why we are now erratic in our thinking?
is that why human nature has become so senseless? middle east.
another war. another fight over trival things. one might go as far to say that it is almost like a kid's fight. where one is unhappy with the other and tries to fix things in his or her own way. however, this is a *kid's fight* of adults. instead of fists and kicks that are pulled onto one another, missles and shells are exchanged. the weaker one, instead of walking away with nothing more than a bruised body and a even bigger bruise to the ego, would never walk away from such a fight. he is dead.
does technological advance have to mean more and more deadly weapons created, and these weapons, with their only purpose, is to destroy the hand that has created it?
what has the world turned into?
a city of lights, a city of dreams, a city of peace.
my loved one is there, waiting for me, in that very city.
everything is beautiful. there is no war, no disputes. everything is at rest there. no one is ever rude to anyone. it is a perfect place to live in.
this place, however, only exists in my dreams. i am still waiting for her to come. someday, somewhere, she will appear.
and i would know.
but till then, let her stay in the city of my dreams. and we shall meet there.
-ashhao
--for what is fate, but only men who refuse to take up their chances. -annoymous
recorded on 7/17/2006 09:01:00 PM
2006/07/16
i'm only mildly satisfied with my new blogskin...
today, i when to the durian shells to go look at baywatch due to many people's recommedation.. tried to blend in with the crowd by appearing a little bit more... rock... didn't really like the atomsphere there.. what with all the people smoking and all. but the music was not bad...
decided to go take a walk down memory lane. walked slowly to victoria concert hall... so many memories there. of the shows that i took part in.. though i was only a stage hand, it was still unforgettable. every show is like a heck of a big deal.
still remember the cockups that happened, how we got past them.. how the drama group loaded up that huge lorry after every performance.
was in the area, and decided to drop shi ming a visit at the vic hall... you look nice in that black outfit =P
when you are feeling lost and lonely, take a walk down memory lane. try and pick up the pieces of your past. life's a bitch, just don't moan about it. cause it ain't getting better.
past.. what is past... your previous experiences, crammed into one small corner of your brain??
recorded on 7/16/2006 11:19:00 PM
tried my hand at making my own blogskin...
dunno how good it is... do comment lol
recorded on 7/16/2006 09:27:00 AM
2006/07/15
its been such a long tme since i blogged. things are starting to catch up with me. i blame it on old age. i find that we age in our own little ways, different from the others, but you know that you have aged...
the little things that i myself took for granted while i was young... countless to say. as one ages, you find them yourself are getting more, werid and in a way, mature.
teachers that you once hated have now become your best buddies. you could talk to them about everything under the sun. you suddenly find yourself with so much to say, that the weight of it all makes you breathless.
it used to be normal to hold a girl's hand in primary school days, but as we advance to secondary, holding hands became sacred. and now in as my teenage years are slowly passing by, holding hands has become a gift.
the heart continues to beat, yet not as strongly as before... have we all grown weak while we grew up?
--ashhao
recorded on 7/15/2006 06:31:00 AM
2006/07/09
How long has been since I actually blogged about how I feel directly, instead of writing them out in poems that people do not even understand?
Bloody long time , I suppose.
When furniture shopping for the council room. Heck, if no one is gonna do it, I might as well do it.
Carrefour has the cheapest sofa and mini-compo set =) The rest is to IKEA.
So much work. Just so much.
recorded on 7/09/2006 10:07:00 PM
2006/07/04
a little sound echoes through the long dark hallways, a little sob, a haltering wheeze, a little sob again. drip, drip, drip. tears, like little rivets of water, hit the floor and disappear.
the sickening squeak of a faulty wheel, down the hallway it runs. squeak, squeak, squeak. a white cloth whisks along with it, elegant and graceful, disturbing this beauty, is a protruding figure...
the squeaks stop. the trolley reaching the end of its journey. KA-, CHING. TOOM. KA-, CHING. i now rest in silence at last. no more mudane things to think about, no more nothing. I shall sleep for the passage of time.
gonna watch CSI later... and suddenly though of this werid thinking... haha
recorded on 7/04/2006 08:45:00 PM
2006/07/02
if that someone is reading this post, let me tell you this. this is not an act of impulse. i'm serious. gimme a chance.
just one chance. please. give me a chance so that i can prove myself worthy. just one.
i may not know how to use beautiful words. like babe, honey. i may not know how to sing a nice love song. but that does not mean i am unable to love you.
just one chance. please.
recorded on 7/02/2006 08:23:00 AM
2006/07/01
cant forget about that smile, the way you talk, and every little thing about you. its hard to say what i like about you, cause its almost impossible to finish listing it down.
an apple, no matter how pretty it looks if its core is rotten there is no hope for it. however, if the core is still good, there is still so much uses for it, what if it doesn't look good on the outside?
frankness, the greatest virtue. being frank to yourself is already one big challenge. being frank to others, is a showing of courage.
trust. the esscene of human beings, it is the most beautiful, yet also the most ugly thing. yet you are able to bring out its beautiful side. for that i like.
real. what different is a person from a doll if he is slient? dare to speak out, dare to voice out, its a quality that shines.
a person being himself, no prentendious behaviour, no masks to hide the true feelings, that is what i'm looking for. and you have them all..
what can i say more?
recorded on 7/01/2006 11:39:00 AM
shipwrecked from reality, washed over by the waves of memories, onto the shores of the past...
i remember the days that i used to be like that, that pair of gay green pants, the retarded metal rings and notches, that very uniform i used to put on.
it now lies, in the city of dreams, in a corner far far away, still there, but unreachable.
they say lost is the man who has lost his past. i feel like that man.
--ashhao
Today was homecoming day. When back school to see the other teachers, and my old school. Its been changed beyond reconginition. I hate that bloody man that turned the school into such a wackhouse. I hate it.
recorded on 7/01/2006 11:34:00 AM
warrior
Wan Zhong Hao aka ashhao
Current affilated to: IJC 0641B (Council)
Was: ATS '01/CHS '05
abilites
literature & drama
geo.
blades
knowledge
peace
love
armor
blue & black
cry
If there was any ability,
that could bring you back to me
I would gladly give up all my powers
for that one moment with you again.
values
Honor
Honesty
Intergrity
Chivarly
unlimited blade works
one of the most powerful form of magic,
caster creates a world entirely out of his imagination,
and has endless power over this realm he creates. also
labelled as sword's graveyard, for the amazing amount of blades
stored here.
