2007/09/29
the ending of a chapter
the current time is 11:06pm. Saturday 29th September. In just less than 1 hour's time, my official date with the A levels examination would be exactly 30 days. 1 month.
it scares me to know how much i have to prepare. it scares me even more to fanthom my future being decided in less than a month's time. i have been listening to a certain olivia ong for the past 5 hours, her songs seem to bring upon me some limited clarity within the chaos that lives within my brain. this would be a good time to address all possible issues that i would ever need to before i turn the next page of my book.
my hand trembles to turn that page, even hesitating, but the page must be turned. there is no choice.
~Start
I, Wan Zhong Hao, declare myself to be mentally and physically aware of the will I am making. All my assets, unless explicitly stated in this will, will automatically go to my parents. The few assets that I deem to hold shall be given to the following people in the incident that I die of a sudden or unnatural death. Any item that can be sold for a monetary value will be done, and 50% of the monetary gains from the sale of these items would be divided equally between the following:
Wang Jian
Edmund Quek
Vincent Lim
Shawn
Lim Jun Yong
Vera
YunJie
ShiMing
The remainder 50% will be divided between the 3 beneficiaries of Refugees@SG and SPCA and IMH of Singapore
~End
Now, with the legal complexities ironed out, I shall give the reasons for making such an absurd will.
I do not know if I will lose myself in this process, and these people, these few individuals, have really touched my life in more ways than I can ever say. The organizations have given me a sense of hope and will, that even in my worst moods, there are something meaningful to be accomplished there. Hopefully, I would get to make a much larger donation before this will comes into effect.
Fatalistic? I do not think so, it is always wise to prepare for the unknown. The future is linked and cycled in so many intricate ways that it is hard for one to fathom what lies beyond the present.
A few parting statements to certain groups of people that I feel that still have not yet seen the light, and to give thanks.
to individuals in BBG:
The few of you, I do not know well to comment about your actions thus far. But some of your actions irk me, the childishness displayed in your actions are so infuriating for the small group of us that are trying to fix everything.
Being aggressive to every single reaction just because the outcome was not you all had excepted is not going to solve anything. Try looking for the root of the problem instead of sitting in a corner and whining about the fact that we are being biased. Try standing on our side and THINK about it. We have stood in your shoes and thought about it. I am not exactly sure if you guys ever took economics, but a smart rationale thinking person would be able to weight the pros and cons for everyone. In your grand plan, you seem to have missed out in a few key factors that would have affected your intended outcome. The target group and how much they are willing to be outgoing being a key problem.
Things need to progress bit by bit. Slowly, not all at once like a shotgun explosion. Accomplish the small before even dreaming for the big.
Be open-hearted to more things, and the light shall find you, DarkEra leaders
to individuals in my CG class 0641B:
thank you all for that wonderful journey. it had been a trauma-filled 2 years with all of you. i thank you sincerely for the education that you have given me, especially on how to be a better person. Jolyon and Edmund, thanks for the times we spent @ the canteen basically talking about everything and anything under the sun, especially about content that was slightly less desirable to most of the other members of the class.
yes, i admit that i have to even thank people like joy and yuan, and even fiona, abigail, cheryl and even weijean.
thank you for being yourselves, and being the bubbly diversified bunch you all are, have allowed me to see the world properly for the first time. the intense emotional spectrum that you all have awakened inside me, is a gift that i cannot thank enough. thanks for the precious lessons in human relations. from the bottom of my heart.
P.S. Please remember to pay Edmund on time =D
to the Student Council of 2007, 2nd IJC council:
the experience granted by the lot of you, is without saying, great, and wonderful. my first time in a leadership position to the entire school and i had the pleasure of working with a bunch of the most diversified and interesting people i have ever met. guess JC was a spectrum of new beginnings for me.
thanks for the guidance that you have given when i screwed up, the cracked-up lunch/dinner sessions. i was never really in the inner circle, always hovering at the sidelines, and taking every opportunity to enter it, but if it was not meant to be, heh. so be it =)
i do hope that you remember me not as an irritating person, but one who tried too hard to fit in =x.
to the ELDDS of 2007:
i thought i had lost my calling for the stage when i joined the council, but you folks seem to prove me wrong. drama has always been a key part of my life, and i guess the experience that i have been given in this short 2 year span, my relation with the stage is now forever sealed in concrete.
involved in so many productions, learning everyone of you, meeting Ernest. so many memories to be brought away by this experience. so much. i will forever be the backstage person. the supporter role fits me relatively well.
to my best friends:
you know me best. for me to type out anything more would disgrace the mutual understanding that we have built over the years. thank you for being there at the most depressing moments in my life. i will never forget all of you.
to my teachers:
Zhonghao would not have reached today without all of your expert guidance. sincerely, he thanks all of you here, in particular, a certain pri 4 Ms. Lin that claims that I would have forgotten her by the time i reached this point in my life, my pri 6 form teacher and chinese teacher, Mdm Ang Kar Bee, and Mdm Lim Mei Qin. Mrs. Alice Long, Ms. Angeline Tan, Mrs Goh and Ms. Thian Wan Eng, from CHS would also be honored now for believing in me, despite the fact that I have not done well for most of your subjects =x. Mr. Wang Jiunn, the IT-savvy, Mac lovin' chemistry teacher, Mdm Zalinah co-chem teacher, Mr Wu Fu Ming, Lin Dan Wen, and Zhao Lin Mao, Xue shen hui jing ji ni men de jiao hui: " Ren zai jiang hu, shen bu you ji!"
IJC teachers : Ms. Josephine Lin, Mr P., Ms Shen, Ms. Goh, Mdm Chitra, Mr Daniel Yip, Mrs Naidu, Mr Lin.
thank you for making a difference in my life.
the time now is 11:46pm. 14 minutes to the 30 day countdown.
i write down the last chapter of my first journey, and prepare to close it forever.
as i glance up at the heavens, i see the innumerable blinkering lights looking down upon me.
i try to make out a sequence of their lights,
a hidden message that i try to decipher.
my codex is lost, and the code looks at me blankly.
it was only then did i realize, that my codex was fatally out-of-date.
with a strong hand, i cupped the flame of the lighter and lit the limp piece of parchment up.
as the wind carries away the ashes of my past, i know i am being reborn.
~ashhao
recorded on 9/29/2007 11:06:00 PM
2007/09/27
You are the Hanged Man
Self-sacrifice, Sacrifice, Devotion, Bound.
With the Hanged man there is often a sense of fatalism, waiting for something to happen. Or a fear of
loss from a situation, rather than gain.
The Hanged Man is perhaps the most fascinating card in the deck. It reflects the story of Odin who offered himself as a sacrifice in order to gain knowledge. Hanging from the world tree, wounded by a spear, given no bread or mead, he hung for nine days. On the last day, he saw on the ground runes that had fallen from the tree, understood their meaning, and, coming down, scooped them up for his own. All knowledge is to be found in these runes.
The Hanged Man, in similar fashion, is a card about suspension, not life or death. It signifies selflessness, sacrifice and prophecy. You make yourself vulnerable and in doing so, gain illumination. You see the world differently, with almost mystical insights.
What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.
recorded on 9/27/2007 08:16:00 PM
2007/09/23
even if it is just metres apart, if its not meant to be, we will still not see anything...
recorded on 9/23/2007 07:01:00 AM
2007/09/22
If words could ever explain what I am feeling, I wouldn't spend all my times looking for emotional songs. Songs give me words, the power to describe the different intensities of feeling that reside within my body. It's really hard not to feel. Where can I ever find another gem?
The bitter aftertaste that resides within the throat. So much to tell, yet everytime, I am silenced and can't describe the feeling out.
Pain after pain. It hurts so bad. So bad.
recorded on 9/22/2007 10:21:00 PM
2007/09/20
It's always painful to put too much faith in one thing.
At the end of the day, I find that I am the one that is hurt the most.
Why do I still believe then?
what answer do i have to that question, that does not hurt me anyway?
a sign, i need a sign.
recorded on 9/20/2007 10:28:00 PM
2007/09/19
| Your Rising Sign is Gemini |
You often feel torn between two dominant personalities.
Sometimes you're adaptable and friendly; other times indecisive and unsure.
No matter what, you're the life of the party or conversation.
Witty and talkative, you entertain with your stories and gossip.
It's a bit difficult for you to finish what you start - jobs, friendships, relationships...
There's so much you want to try. You often bite off more than you can chew. |
recorded on 9/19/2007 07:36:00 PM
Your Personality Is
Idealist (NF)
You are a passionate, caring, and unique person.
You are good at expressing yourself and sharing your ideals.
You are the most compassionate of all types and connect with others easily.
Your heart tends to rule you. You can't make decisions without considering feelings.
You seek out other empathetic people to befriend.
Truth and authenticity matters in your friendships.
In love, you give everything you have to relationships. You fall in love easily.
At work, you crave personal expression and meaning in your career.
With others, you communicate well. You can spend all night talking with someone.
As far as your looks go, you've likely taken the time to develop your own personal style.
On weekends, you like to be with others. Charity work is also a favorite pastime of yours.
the only test that i have to disagree with the result; especially the looks part =.=
recorded on 9/19/2007 07:34:00 PM
| Your Inner Blood Type is Type A |
You seem cool and collected, though a bit shy.
You are highly driven and a perfectionist, but that's a side you keep to yourself.
Creative and artistic, you are a very unique person who doesn't quite fit in.
People accept you more than you realize, seeing you as trustworthy and loyal.
You are most compatible with: A and AB
Famous Type A's: Britney Spears and Hilter |
recorded on 9/19/2007 07:33:00 PM
| Your Aura is Blue |
Spiritual and calm, you tend to live a quiet but enriching life.
You are very giving of yourself. And it's hard for you to let go of relationships.
The purpose of your life: showing love to other people
Famous blues include: Angelina Jolie, the Dali Lama, Oprah
Careers for you to try: Psychic, Peace Corps Volunteer, Counselor |
recorded on 9/19/2007 07:32:00 PM
| You Have a Phlegmatic Temperament |
Mild mannered and laid back, you take life at a slow pace.
You are very consistent - both in emotions and actions.
You tend to absorb set backs easily. You are cool and collected.
It is difficult to offend you. You can remain composed and unemotional.
You are a great friend and lover. You don't demand much of others.
While you are quiet, you have a subtle wit that your friends know well.
At your worst, you are lazy and unwilling to work at anything.
You often get stuck in a rut, without aspirations or dreams.
You can get too dependent on others, setting yourself up for abandonment. |
recorded on 9/19/2007 07:30:00 PM
2007/09/15
You ready?! Lets go!
Yeah, for those of you that want to know what we're all about
It's like this y'all (c'mon!)
[Chorus]
This is ten percent luck, twenty percent skill
Fifteen percent concentrated power of will
Five percent pleasure, fifty percent pain
And a hundred percent reason to remember the name!
[ Mike Shinoda ]Mike
! - He doesn't need his name up in lights
He just wants to be heard whether it's the beat or the mic
He feels so unlike everybody else, alone
In spite of the fact that some people still think that they know him
But f**k em, he knows the code
It's not about the salary
It's all about reality and making some noise
Makin the story - makin sure his clique stays up
That means when he puts it down Tak's pickin it up! let's go!
[ Takbir ]
Who the hell is he anyway?
He never really talks much
Never concerned with status but still leavin them star struck
Humbled through opportunities given to him despite the fact
That many misjudge him 'cause he makes a livin from writin raps
Put it together himself, now the picture connects
Never askin for someone's help, to get some respect
He's only focused on what he wrote, his will is beyond reach
And now when it all unfolds, the skill of an artist
[ Ryu ]
It's just twenty percent skill
Eighty percent fear be a hundred percent clear cause Ryu is ill
Who would've thought that he'd be the one that set the west in flames
Then I heard him wreckin with The Crystal Method, "Name Of The Game"
Came back dropped Megadef, took em to church
I like bleach man, why you have the stupidest verse?
This dude is the truth, now everybody givin him guest spots
His stock's through the roof I heard he f**kin with S. Dot!
[Chorus]
This is ten percent luck, twenty percent skill
Fifteen percent concentrated power of will
Five percent pleasure, fifty percent pain
[Remember The Name lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com]
And a hundred percent reason to remember the name!
[ Ryu ]
They call him Ryu The Sick
And he's spittin fire with Mike
Got him out the dryer he's hot
Found him in Fort Minor with Tak
Been a f**kin anihilist porcupine
He's a prick, he's a cop, the type women wanna be with, and rappers hope he get shot
Eight years in the makin, patiently waitin to blow
Now the record with Shinoda's takin over the globe
He's got a partner in crime, his shit is equally dope
You wont believe the kind of shit that comes out of this kid's throat
[ Takbir ]
Tak! - He's not your everyday on the block
He knows how to work with what he's got
Makin his way to the top
People think its a common owners name
People keep askin him was it given at birth
Or does it stand for an acronym? No
He's livin proof, Got him rockin the booth
He'll get you buzzin quicker than a shot of vodka with juice
Him and his crew are known around as one of the best
Dedicated to what they do give a hundred percent
[ Mike Shinoda ]
Forget Mike - Nobody really knows how or why he works so hard
It seems like he's never got time
Because he, writes every note and he writes every line
And I've seen him at work when that light goes on in his mind
It's like a design is written in his head every time
Before he even touches a key or speaks in a rhyme
And those motherf**kers he runs with, those kids that he signed?
Ridiculous, without even trying, how do they do it?!
[Chorus - repeat 2x]
This is ten percent luck, twenty percent skill
Fifteen percent concentrated power of will
Five percent pleasure, fifty percent pain
And a hundred percent reason to remember the name!
[Outro - Mike Shinoda]
Yeah! Fort Minor
M. Shinoda - Styles of Beyond
Ryu! Takbir! Machine Shop!
promise me that you will remember my name
even at the end of the road
the end of it all
buried here is a man with good enough reason for you to remember.
recorded on 9/15/2007 08:17:00 PM
2007/09/14
Moving On
-ashhao
A bright light shines in your face.
You do not know what is happening,
Or where the light is coming from.
You squint into the source,
And see families and friends, beckoning.
A stygian river seperates you and them.
You try to move on,
But for the lack of a copper coin,
The boatman refuses to ferry you over.
You repeat this damned cycle of existance,
Till the day someone presses in your hand,
The copper coin.
As a reward for all the knowledge that you have learn.
Then and only then, will you be allowed to move on.
A bright light shines in your face.
You do not know what is happening,
Or where the light is coming from.
You squint into the source,
And see families and friends, beckoning.
A stygian river seperates you and them.
You approach the boatman confidently this time,
And pass him his dues.
He crosses the river,
And your journey ends.
"for the Lord wishes you to learn something on this temporal plane,
before moving onto the next,
and untill then,
be prepared to come back time and again,
to learn what you have not."
-ashhao
recorded on 9/14/2007 11:36:00 PM
One Year On....
Been such a long time since I updated this blog with a coherent and less cryptic fashion.
Its been a long 2 year course. As the end approaches, many are happy and at the same time afraid of what the world out there has to offer. Junior College, for many, is like a coming of age ritual. This ritual feels vaguely familiar something that I have been through many a times. Perhaps I have immersed myself with the protagonist of many a novel too many a times. The inner conflict that they feel is somewhat easy to identify with, and their various reactions give me a wide range of choices, empowering me to decide for myself which is the best based on the faults of the others.
Yet, at the same time, I am haunted by a verse uttered by Kira Yamato, "This life is yours, yours alone, not HIS!" I sometimes wonder the things I do, the things I say, are they part of other's expectations projected on myself, and I simply carry them out? The many facades that I have been carrying with me, burdens me, and makes every step that I undertake to be a long, painful one.
At the same time, the JC experience has also allowed myself to be more in tune to be a socially acceptable person, and I sometimes wonder if it is really another manifestation of society's expectation of each and every Singaporean. With the increased accumulation of knowledge and development of logical thought, every action by the ruling authorities seem dubious in intent at best. Is this another by-product of education itself?
The opposite gender is yet another issue that has caused much pain and joy at the same time. In fact, I think that my emotional capacity has never been stretched so much in the short span of my life. The mood swings in between periods of elation and depression can occur within days, hours
and sometimes even minutes. Some comment that having an emotional range of a teaspoon is really sad, but in retrospect, if one only had the emotional range of a teaspoon, one would suffer much less? Descartes once said that " I think therefore I am", today's taking on this famous quote would be " I suffer therefore I am".
Aside from JC-life, one other important sector of my life for the past 2 years, is a close-knit online community known as BBG. These group of people are probably the best thing that has happened to me in a long long time. Friendship seems to be re-defined by this group of people. The different people from the different walks of life that exist in this guild, the many experiences, from movie trips to community service to birthday parties, is something that I had never experienced with any other group of friends. The time I have used in maintaining the bonds with this group, has yielded rewards beyond my wildest dreams. The feeling of truly being appreciated is beyond the description of words.
Laying on my bed, I reflect alot upon what I have done thus far into my life, struggled with my principles and morals, tried to face up to my dark inner nature and had my fair share of victories and losses. The sense of self-realization is incredible...
recorded on 9/14/2007 11:14:00 PM
