This is how long I've been serving the nation under conscription.
It's been that long huh.
In the past, whenever I am lost, without a direction, at least the bare minimum consolation I can muster up to tell myself is the fact that I signed up for it. I was a willing participant.
This time round, I'm but a partisan one. Every passing day, I look upon and ask myself how much more am I willing to lose to continue this journey to serve and lead. The longer the time inside, the more you notice how much you have given up for the system.
Good men, honest men, who would have been trend-starters in the private sector, who made the wrong move and got themselves binded to this system, getting all kinds of unimaginable nonsense at their doorsteps due to the compliance of the most obscure of rules.
What kind of a system are we facing here?
End rant.
recorded on 7/27/2008 08:20:00 PM
2008/07/20
He's never done anything wrong, has he?
No.
He's the true hero that this city needs, the one that we all cannot be, but the time is not now for him to be that hero. For now, he needs to be pursued. But he can bear all this.
He is the Dark Knight.
Now kids, we will be doing a social experiment. Over here, I've given the detonators to either ship towards the opposite ship. If they don't blow one another up by 12 midnight, I will blow them up myself.
15 minutes later.
Convict in orange jumpsuit stands up.
Give me the detonator, and I will show you what you should have done 10 minutes ago.
*Takes the detonator, and hurls out of the window*
Over the other side, someone attempts and nearly pulls the detonator to blow the other ship sky high, but thankfully, he puts the detonator back.
Believe in hope. Believe in the good in people.
Never have I watched a movie that succinctly summarized what I believed in and have conflicted over.
Now, all I need to do, is to cultivate the spirit.
recorded on 7/20/2008 04:03:00 PM
2008/07/13
Belief -ashhao
Long hallowed shadows adorn the empty floors; Seeking for a purpose of their existence. Failing, they sulk away, looking For another place to haunt.
The emptiness of the place hangs in the air, Like an ancient curtain, thick and musky; But, filled with nothing.
The trees bear no life, The gray overhang never seems to part. You look longingly into the gray, Hoping, That a light would shine through.
A tiny voice whispers " Don't let go. It's all you've got!" You look down and see a kid Clutching onto your hand tightly; Eyes pleading.
The shadows fade away, Trees bloom again with fresh greens, A silver lining breaks the overhang.
Hope is all we've got. Hope's all we have left. And with it : Nothing shall stand in our path.
This is a special entry, made from home on a night I am supposed to be in camp thanks to a special occasion that allowed us to come home. Despair takes centre-stage most of the time, but once in a blue moon, Hope comes into picture.
Setting of for the camp soon. Take care. Please.
recorded on 7/13/2008 09:41:00 PM
2008/07/12
I've probably started and put of the posting of this reflection for about a dozen times since I've started in SISPEC. I blame it largely on the lack of time and the ridiculous amount of things I want to accomplish before book-in every weekend.
This weekend however, I found myself in a sort of pensive mood. The kind that you know that would not go away unless you write/tell somebody about it. That or a cup of piping good coffee would actually chase the feeling away, but the coffee however, is only a temporary solution.
So here goes.
I am lost.
I stand at a cross junction, with the signals from all the traffic light crossing giving me different signals. Some tell me to cross, the bright green light telling me to go over, yet there's the gut feeling that screams " Don't do it! " Others show a red light, with traffic zooming pass you, yet you want to make the crossover.
I think it has to do with the various personas I deal with within myself.
Part of me comes out when certain things are expected of me. Others follow suit at different times and paces. The last time I checked, they were not working in synch. Which probably answers the free-ranging emotional swings within myself.
I crave and want emotional support; but at the same time, to not unduly worry the people around me.
Part of me knows the answer to that question; part of me tells me to grasp onto hope and to believe in miracles.
But. But. I know there can never be miracles. Not where I am, or rather, who I am.
This is me.
The self-proclaimed, self-suffering "tragic" persona that wants to be free of everything, but is bind by moral strength beyond his capacity, whom at the most critical moment, thinks of everyone but his own self.
That's what part of me tells me I will have to become; or at least, where I'm going.
I also see the other side of this description:
The self-disillusioned fool that thinks he's sacrificing for the greater good when all he does is to complicate matters.
Of late, the 2nd description comes more to mind.
I used to dream. That there are changes that can be made. But the more I see it, the more cynical I become. Frankly speaking, sometimes one wonders what else can happen to this world.
Whether there are really fairytale-like endings.
You see your buddies getting dis-illusional, they've tried their best in everything they do, but still did not get what they need.
They've thought the system had forsaken them, and are so true to that belief that whatever you tell them, they cannot hear it.
And you, experiencing the system, you know that, it is a fact.
Staring blankly into the sky, the answers lie light years away..
It's time to give it up.
recorded on 7/12/2008 07:30:00 PM
for silence encompasses all, but leaves at the slightest hint of dissent.
-ashhao
recorded on 7/12/2008 12:19:00 AM
2008/07/06
And when the time comes, you would know that what truly means to love for everyone.
To love is to forgive everyone who had wronged against you, to love is to not bear grievances towards any one who might have hurt you. To love, is to care for everyone around you, regardless of what they are and who they might be.
I strive to attain this level.
Someday perhaps, it would come to me.
Someday.
recorded on 7/06/2008 07:52:00 PM
To update anyone who actually checks this blog :
Where am I now? : School of Infantry Specialist. Echo Company Platoon 1 (Infamously known for slacking.. RIGHT)
What do I do? : I train to be a Specialist of the Singapore Armed Forces. This can range from the Air, to the Land and the Sea. Of course, more would be made known to me by the end of the BSLC.
SISPEC or OCS? : SISPEC: More "Hokkien Peng". Easier to survive with. Less English, more Chinese + dialects= More down-to-earth people.
recorded on 7/06/2008 12:09:00 AM
warrior
Wan Zhong Hao aka ashhao
Current affilated to: IJC 0641B (Council)
Was: ATS '01/CHS '05
abilites
literature & drama
geo.
blades
knowledge
peace
love
armor
blue & black
cry
If there was any ability,
that could bring you back to me
I would gladly give up all my powers
for that one moment with you again.
values
Honor
Honesty
Intergrity
Chivarly
unlimited blade works
one of the most powerful form of magic,
caster creates a world entirely out of his imagination,
and has endless power over this realm he creates. also
labelled as sword's graveyard, for the amazing amount of blades
stored here.
